Preparing yourself for a radiotherapy session requires flushing and/or filling your plumbing.
Your bowel must be empty; it’s hard to target the prostate when there is a bag of poo lingering nearby. An empty bowel is best achieved by sticking an enema up your bum and waiting for the inevitable explosion. I do this before I leave home. It is not pleasant. There are no photos.
The bladder may be required to be full or empty. Timing fluid intake such that you have a full bladder is an art many don’t master. Not enough and you may be sent away to top up. Too much too soon and there may be premature peeing, ideally on the toilet but sometimes on the treatment table. Suddenly the job of a radiologist is not so glamorous. “Nurse, bring the mop of shame,”
I am lucky because I am in the empty bladder category. A quick pee before heading in and I am all set.
Plumbing status is checked after an initial scan has been taken. If there is a problem then the treatment will not start and someone will come into the room and disappoint you. This hasn’t happened to me, until today.
Once I have been positioned on the treatment table and the staff have left the room, I close my eyes and relax while the machine does its thing. Today I was pondering the many ways I would like to insert Elon Musk into one of his rockets, or vice versa, when a voice interrupted me.
“We cannot proceed, you have a large pocket of gas that you have to release”.
In layman’s terms, I needed to fart. I climbed down from the treatment table.
“So shall I just try and fart now?”
The radiologist’s eyes widened in horror, either because I was suggesting I should fart in his sacred space, or because I used the ‘f’ word.
“No, no no! Go for a walk around the hospital to clear it.”
So I did, but I sensed no gas release. In desperation I reached for the spare enema I always bring for emergencies and inserted it where the sun doesn’t shine. After a couple of minutes there was the familiar explosion which I assumed must have involved gas. I returned to the treatment room.
“Have you passed wind?”
“Not exactly, but there has been an anal eruption which may have included flatulence components.”
“Huh?”
“I think I have farted”
This was deemed sufficient and I returned to the table where treatment proceeded as normal. Hope I don’t have to do that again.